The Death of Men

Photo by The Oregon State University Collections and Archives on Unsplash

I took a rare break this weekend and went out. It was not a work event, it was just being out. As I was sitting at a bar having a drink, a conversation manifested. The gentlemen I was speaking to was a stranger to me but struck me as a kind and genuine person but also someone that was struggling. I’m not going to share the individual’s name or any identifying details but he was a successful individual that had much to be proud of. He had lived a good life, built a business empire, and generally done well for himself. Despite that, as the conversation continued, the gentlemen confirmed that he was, in fact, struggling.

This story is far too common amongst men today and the chance conversation I had with the gentleman at the bar illustrated to me just how extensive this issue is. If, after all that this man had accomplished, he could feel so lost then what was missing?

As the conversation was drawing to an end I made a suggestion to the gentleman. I told him to find his fight. It struck me that what he was missing was something that is central to men and something that no one talks about any more - the need to fight.

To be clear I was not talking about picking a bar fight or any sort of violence, I was talking about purpose. In my parlance, a fight may more accurately describe a quest or purpose a definition I shared with the gentleman. Then I also shared my own story with him. I talked about my work and the fight I’ve carried on for nearly 5 years to try and ensure freedom in our nation; more importantly, I shared how it took until my 40s to realize that my purpose was to fight and that in fighting injustice I found what God had created me to do.

I left the conversation hoping my words would resonate - I believe they did - and that they would help the gentleman - I believe they did that as well. Still the conversation gave me pause and I’ve been considering it ever since.

At this point I believe that the conversation hit on something no one talks about. The innate need for men to find purpose and the fact that purpose for most men is substantially different than for women. As a man I find great joy in my family and relationships, I enjoy simple things, but I need to have a purpose. For me, I want to protect my “tribe” if you will, I want to fix their problems, I want to save the world to ensure their future is bright. In ancient terms, I want to slay dragons to make sure they are not a danger to my family and friends.

While I recognize that I may be a bit extreme in my personal quest to protect people close to me, I do not think that feeling is uncommon for men. Rather, I think it is simply something we are told we should not feel or think about. We are told fighting is evil, avoid conflict, accept where you are in life, and everything that could be construed as aggression, including an aggressive pursuit of excellence, is “toxic masculinity.” We are told that everything that makes a man a man is wrong. The result is that many men have began to believe it and have lost their fight - their purpose.

As I am quite clearly not a woman I really do not know where women find their purpose. What I do know is that the traits that are labeled toxically masculine are typically attributed to men because they are more common in men and also far less frequent in women. Further they are generally demonized and we are told we should not be what we are. A brief perusal of online resources related to “toxic masculinity” sees things that men really do value - like being tough, stoic, strong leaders, etc. - mixed in with things like violence and hate. The phrase itself “toxic masculinity” suggests that somehow being masculine is toxic and this inherent hate for what is natural to a vast majority of men is - I think - at the root of why so many men are lost and without purpose.

Ultimately I think the gentleman at the bar lost his fight because the world has been telling men that any fight they would innately pursue is “toxic” or wrong. I think (and hope) he simply needed a reminder that finding purpose and pursuing it as a man would is okay. I think he needed to hear it from a man and in terms a man would understand.

I have no idea if my words hit home but the gentleman gave me hug and shook my hand before I left. We didn’t sit and cry together, but rather we expressed emotion as men would - a man hug and hand shake. I pray he finds his fight and that we quit demonizing and killing everything it means to be a man.

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